Trapped on the roof and under fire from the encroaching Triads, our intrepid hero whips out his Hello Moto and speed dials our leading lady, who guns her Porche faster down the Second Ring Road in answer. "I'll be down in a minute," he says cooly before stepping off the parapet and plunging a few stories in a matter of seconds.

We will be the first to admit that life in Beijing is much like the movies. Except in real life our leading lady is Apple, and she's a bit more difficult to contact than you'd expect. In this podcast, culled from our real-life experience, we'll teach you the basics of telephone etiquette. Or the basics of repeatedly asking for someone until either you or they hang up in frustration.